A Self-Referential Account on OnlyFans Burnout
I feel like I need too many things right now.
I could write an endless list of all the things I need but when I really think about what I need, it all boils down to time. How can I balance my time? How can I manage all of the things I need to do with all of the things I want?
Recently, it’s just been really bleak. And I know it might not the place to shout from my soap box but where is?
Right now, I can’t keep up here [onlyfans]. I feel like I’ve been beat out by other creators who can afford to keep their pages pumping out material like machines for only $5 a month, creators who have mastered social media marketing or have outsourced it & creators who are better with separating themselves into categories. It’s not sustainable for me but I’ve already boxed myself into this space that doesn’t allow me to keep up anyway.
I’ve been experiencing this constant dichotomy of wanting to be someone or no one at all. In the same breath, I have a fierce need to be something bigger than who I am right now and a deep desire to be a recluse without ties to anything or anyone. Maybe it’s just me but I think I’ve been sucked into some sort of twisted social media FOMO that’s skewed my perception of self based on not what others post, but how I’m projecting into this alias that I’ve operated under for over four years. I believe that subscription sites have further fueled my self doubt in this superficial digital world as an existential identity crisis is the collective undercurrent in all of this.
I feel like I’m at a cross roads here. I need something to change — but that’s the hardest part, this change that I need, it’s all mental and I feel like I need a full rewire. I’ve been trying to dig myself out of this burnout for almost two years now. The worst part is that every time I think I’m feeling better something comes along and falls on top of me and all of my plans / creativity / inspiration. I can only maintain my hope for so long before I go back into this feeling of being burnt out by whatever it is that’s got me stuck like a plastic bag caught on the grill of your car.
I think most of the pain that this site [onlyfans] causes me stems from this idea that I want to be someone to you and to so many others. I want to build and to grow and share things that are hard to share, to be raw, to prove my humanity and show you that I’m just like everyone else. I too have insecurities, hardships, burnout, heartbreak, desires and quirks that make me unique and yet so much like the ‘other’ at the same time. The trouble is that most people are looking for a quick fix with no emotions and explicit photos for less than $1. The attention span of most users is less than one month. While most are looking for a quick ticket to a disassociated orgasm or even to steal my identity for their own profit, I am looking for connection.
At the end of it all, I’ve truly poured myself out for you and right now I feel disposable. Which seems a bit humorous to me now because here I am, asking once again how I can be better, how I can pour myself out in a more palatable way — one that might be less like me and more like the collective, one that makes you think I’m this and that but never too deep or too honest. What I want to know is how can I capture a piece of you that understands that I am more than a digital fragment of your larger fantasies?
I don’t want to be a machine.
